Dirljiva posveta svima koji se bore s neplodnošću

Znala sam to otkako sam bila djevojčica.

Osjećala sam se kao da sam stvorena da budem majka. Nažalost, proces širenja obitelji za supruga i mene nije se odigrao onako kako smo mi to zamišljali”, piše Amanda Naor, fotografkinja koja već godinama snima obiteljske fotografije i novorođene bebe, a koja je svoju priču podijelila s portalom Love What Matters.

Na njezin 30. rođendan, suprug i ona odlučili su da žele proširiti svoju obitelj. Trinaest mjeseci Amanda je plakala svaki put kad je dobila menstruaciju.

“Nakon što smo godinu dana pokušavali zatrudnjeti, nakon što smo pokušali sa svim prirodnim pomagalima, znali smo da nam je potrebna medicinska intervencija kako bismo ostvarili svoju želju.”

Kada su se prvi puta našli s reproduktivnim endokrinologom, otkrili su da je Amanda trudna. Dva tjedna kasnije, Amanda je morala na hitnu operaciju. Imala je unutarnje krvarenje i izvanmateričnu trudnoću. Kirurzi su tada uspjeli spasiti jajovod. Nakon što se oporavila, krenuli su s inseminacijom, procesom potpomognute oplodnje. Odradili su četiri ciklusa, četiri pokušaja i četiri mjeseca inseminacije – nažalost – svi pokušaji bili su neuspješni.

"go ahead and empty your bladder if you need to, and then undress from the waist down." this is probably the phrase I've heard most often throughout this whole baby making process. from the 4 IUIs to our now second cycle of IVF…it's always the same. I wait for the day when the nurse accepts that I fully know what needs to happen, and she'll just smile and take me to the exam room with the trust that I know I need to go pee and then sit half naked with a paper blanket on my lap and wait for my doctor to come in. . but today was just like the 234982904 other times (okay, a slight exaggeration haha) that I've been to one of these types of appointments. we were giving the official go ahead to start the stimming process of this cycle. sing it with me now: "shots! shots!.. shots! shots! shots!.. shots! shots!" allllll the shots. 3 every night for the next 10 days. . my follicles look suppressed and teenie tiny (about 10 on each side), just as they should be. and now we shake them awake with a cocktail of fertility drugs, and hope for the best! . next appointment is sunday morning… if all goes to plan, the egg retrieval will be august 27th! #worththewait

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Aug 16, 2017 at 6:38pm PDT

‘Nije postojao razlog, uzrok ili dijagnoza zašto nismo mogli zatrudnjeti’

“Ono što nas je najviše frustriralo je što je naša dijagnoza bila ‘neobjašnjiva neplodnost’. Liječnici nisu mogli naći što nije u redu sa mnom ili s mojim suprugom jer smo na papiru – oboje fizički izgledali savršeno. Nije postojao razlog, uzrok ili dijagnoza zašto nismo mogli zatrudnjeti”, govori Amanda i dodaje kako im je izvantjelesna oplodnja bila jedina opcija koja je ostala.

“Nažalost, taj proces ne pokriva zdravstveno te smo se morali suočiti s dugom od 20.000 do 30.000 dolara za svaki ciklus, za svaki pokušaj zatrudnjivanja.”

taken last night…two different shots every night until Friday, when another one might be added to the mix. I am so grateful for my husband for being the mad scientist every night for mixing the drugs, getting everything ready, and giving me these injections. there's no way I could do it myself. even for the hundreds of blood draws I've gotten over these past two years, I still always look away. . full disclosure: I felt compelled to drag this image into photoshop, and lessen the "bulge" of my tummy- because let's be real, this isn't a flattering moment by any means. but I didn't. because even though I've gained about 10lbs in the past few months due the cocktail of hormones I was on for the IUIs, a complete lack of exercise in my daily routine, or acknowledgement of the degree of emotional eating I was giving into…..this is real life. and hey, I'm just providing more cushion for our baby to snuggle and grow into, right? right. #worththewait

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Jun 20, 2017 at 5:11pm PDT

“Neplodnost je jedan nevjerojatan emocionalni ringišpil. Osjećaj je izolirajući. Nepravedni. Kao da su vas majka priroda i vaše tijelo izdali. Skupa je. Bolna je. Puna strahova. I tihe patnje kroz koju prolaze parovi”, objašnjava Amanda, koja je zbog svega kroz što su suprug i ona prolazili, odlučila podijeliti njihovu priču kroz fotografije te pokazati drugima da nisu sami. 

this is infertility. this is being 1 in 8. this is 36 shots over the course of 19 days. this is $13,000 in donations, and a $15,000 loan. this is the hope that I will be a mom. this is the reminder that if you're fighting this fight, you're not doing it alone.

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Aug 25, 2017 at 5:03pm PDT

‘Ovo putovanje je naša priča, priča o tome kako ćemo jednog dana postati roditelji’

Točno dvije godine nakon što su odlučili proširiti svoju obitelj, Amanda i njezin suprug krenuli su na svoj prvi ciklus izvantjelesne oplodnje, a cijeli proces Amanda je zabilježila fotoaparatom i seriju fotografija nazvala #worththewait.

“Ovo putovanje kroz koje smo suprug i ja prolazili je naša priča. To je priča o tome kako ćemo jednog dana postati roditelji. To će biti priča našeg budućeg djeteta.”

and this is what your world likes when you're t-minus 6 days away from a frozen embryo transfer. feeling all the feels right now, guys. that's all I can say. our transfer is officially on the calendar. scheduled for friday morning. holy moly. #worththewait

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Nov 5, 2017 at 12:43pm PST

“Blagoslov i prokletstvo izvantjelesne oplodnje je da, koliko god je nevjerojatna znanost koja nam je dostupna, isto toliko je potrebno čarolije da bi se ona dogodila. Moje tijelo bilo je pokusni kunić u toj znanosti, ali nismo gubili nadu da ćemo naći savršeni koktel tehnologije i vilinske prašine koji će dopustiti zvijezdama da se usklade i daju nam našu bebu”, piše Amanda.

and just like that, it's over and done. 20 eggs retrieved this morning! and now we wait. hurry up and wait. hurry up and wait is the name of this infertility game.

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Aug 28, 2017 at 12:00pm PDT

Pet mjeseci kasnije, Amanda je primila poziv, poziv koji je čekala više od dvije godine. Bila je trudna!

marriage achievement unlocked: giiiiiaaaant needle into butt. internet achievement unlocked: post photo of your hiney for all the world to see. ? . this is real life, folks. last night was the first intramuscular shot ever. I was super scared. I'll post an image of the size of the needle another time, and you'll understand why the thought of it having to go into my bottom was less than appealing. …but we did it! . this phase of the game is all about the estrogen. I'm taking it in a pill form twice a day, and in a shot form every 3rd day until I go back to see my doctor next thursday. estrogen helps to mature and thicken the uterine lining, which needs to be thick and healthy for an embryo to implant into. the side effects of taking estrogen range from nausea to hair loss to headaches to mood swings. weeeeee! I tend to get very little physical side effects, and whole lot of mental ones…so I'm buckling down for these next few weeks. spenser has already offered me gummy bears several times in the last 12 hours, haha. . we have many more weeks of these giant needles to the butt. universe willing, these shots continue on until the 10th week of pregnancy…but more on that later. #worththewait

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Oct 28, 2017 at 2:13pm PDT

‘Trudnoća je postala apstraktni koncept i gotovo mi je nemoguće povezati ovo čudo sa mnom i s mojim tijelom’

“Dok sam ovo pisala, nalazila sam se u svom 23. tjednu trudnoće i još uvijek mi se sve činilo nestvarno. Htjela bih da mogu reći kako su mi posljednji mjeseci bili puni sreće i čistog uzbuđenja, ali istina je da onaj emocionalni ringišpil ne završava samo tako, čak i onda kad napokon zatrudnite”, govori i dodaje kako ne može ni opisati kako su se suprug i ona osjećali kada su čuli bebine prve otkucaje srca.

“Istovremeno sam bila toliko zahvalna, ali i tužna… zanijemila sam. Tijekom vremena, trudnoća je postala neki apstraktni koncept i gotovo mi je nemoguće povezati ovo čudo sa mnom i s mojim tijelom.”

made with love….and a whole lot of science! one little miracle arriving in July of 2018! we have waited 891 days for this moment. I am currently 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant. it's honestly as surreal as surreal can be. *** *** as with nearly everything within the infertility journey…often good news comes with a hint of sadness or disappointment. unfortunately, this is no exception. our first ultrasound showed 1 healthy baby. we were crushed to learn that we weren't having twins. the second embryo might have simply not implanted, or the bleeding the I experienced could have been connected….we will never know. . I have a lot I want to say on this loss. I want to talk about how hard it's been navigating the emotions of being so, SO grateful, yet being so sad. I want to talk about how you fantasize and dream about this moment for years and years, and what actually happens when you finally are living it. I want to talk about feeling survivor's guilt, of struggling with losing your identity of being a victim of infertility. . but for this moment in time, I want to celebrate that there's a beating heart of another human being inside me right now. . a product of science and technology. a product of support, encouragement, and hope from family, friends, and strangers. a product of dedication and knowledge from dr. kolb, my nurse natalie, and the entire medical staff at my clinic. . of course there are always more hurdles to overcome. this journey is far from over, and we're not totally in clear by any means. at 12 weeks the risk of miscarrying decreases exponentially, so we have a bit more to go. but every day is one step closer to meeting this baby of ours….and we can't wait to tell them their story. #worththewait

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Dec 22, 2017 at 12:39pm PST

Amanda ističe kako trauma i borba s neplodnošću ne prestaju s pozitivnim testom na trudnoću, niti sa zdravom trudnoćom i savršenim razvojem bebe u trbuhu.

“Trudim se svaki dan proživjeti bez očekivanja kako bih se trebala osjećati ili što bih trebala osjećati. Jednostavno se trudim biti prisutna nakon godina i godina snova. Ali, u jednu stvar sam u potpunosti sigurna. Ova beba koja raste u meni – bila je i bit će vrijedna čekanja.”

20 weeks today! the official halfway point. . all I can really say is that nothing about this stage in the journey is anything like I thought it would be. neither good, nor bad….but when you have years and years to dream about achieving this goal, it’s so easy to create a fantasy in your head. fantasy isn’t reality. it’s a lesson I’m adjusting to every single day. . I am beyond, beyond grateful to be here… but all this still feels very surreal. it’s scary to admit that I feel almost detached. over time, pregnancy has become an abstract concept in my mind- and it’s nearly impossible to connect this miracle to me and my body. . I feel great. baby ‘fraggle’ is doing great. I’ve started taking baby aspirin for some preventative measures which I plan on posting about later, but really….life is going on as usual. which I suppose directly correlates to my lack of posting many updates. . the trauma and struggle from infertility doesn’t end with the positive pregnancy test. and, with the help of my therapist, my husband, and some incredible women in my life- I am reminded to take each day as it comes, and that how I am feeling so, so normal. today I am 20 weeks pregnant. what a statement that is! #worththewait

A post shared by amanda naor (@_amandanaor_) on Mar 11, 2018 at 3:54pm PDT