Dječak kojeg nisam usvojila
Nešto u njegovoj formulaciji me pogodilo. Nešto oko načina na koji je to rekao, zvuk njegovih riječi, staccato njegovog govora.
A Mothership Down
„Niko me ne voli. Čak ni majka koja me rodila.“
Zar to nije prilično čudan način za reći to?
Čak ni majka koja me rodila.
Bio je ukopčan na zadnjem sjedištu moje Tojote, i dalje premalen da sjedi naprijed. Sa sedam godina već se selio više puta nego što je godina proveo na ovom svijetu. I ovog puta, kao i svih prethodnih, sve svoje stvari je sa sobom nosio u kesi za smeće.
Kofer bi mu barem dao neki osjećaj dostojanstva u svemu tome – tome što su ga smještali u novi i novi i ponovo novi hraniteljski dom prije nego što je stasao za 3. razred.
Kese za smeće pucaju, znate. Kese za smeće nikako ne mogu da izdrže sav sadržaj života, a definitivno ne života toliko krhkog poput ovog.
Pucaju od napora, vremenom.
Ova selidba je Stivenu pala najteže. Mislio je da će ostati u ovom domu, bar neko vrijeme. Ovdje je osjetio neku nježnost. Kada sam otišla po njega, nakon što nam je njegova hraniteljska majka javila da više ne može ostati tu, veoma lako je pošao sa mnom; spuštene glave, bez ikakve vidljive reakcije. Tek kad je ušao u moj auto počeo je jecati onakvim zvukom bola koji vas potrese do srži.
Jedva je uspio da izbaci te riječi. „Niko me ne voli. Čak ni majka koja me rodila.“
Mjesecima kasnije, u istoj takvoj sceni (još jedna hraniteljska majka, još jedno odvođenje), borio se. Trčao je po dnevnoj sobi, sakrivao se iza namještaja, odbijao da ode. Ali te noći nije bio u stanju da se bori.
To je bio Stiven sa sedam godina.
Devetogodišnji Stiven je u znojavim rukama držao svoju knjižicu. Krenuli smo na usvojiteljski događaj na kome ćemo upoznati porodice koje žele usvojiti starije dijete; porodice koje automatski ne isključuju dječaka poput Stivena zbog njegove dugačke „istorije“. On želi da ih impresionira, te strance. Želi da ih osvoji, pa nosi sa sobom knjižicu sa dobrim ocjenama kao opipljiv dokaz toga da je on dijete vrijedno ljubavi.
Dijete nikada ne bi trebalo da dokazuje da je vrijedno ljubavi.
Foto: Tim Graf / Unsplash
Dvanaestogodišnji Stiven mi govori da sam ja njegova najbolja drugarica. Ja sam njegova socijalna radnica i on bi trebao imati pravog najboljeg prijatelja, ali ne govorim mu to. Nalazimo se na snimanju emisije Wednesday’s Child, segmenta vijesti koji prikazuje djecu za usvajanje. Stiven je veoma topao pred kamerama. Možda će ga neko odabrati ovog puta. Možda je uspio iznijeti dovoljno dokaza, sa dvanaest godina, da je ipak dječak vrijedan ljubavi. A zaista jeste. Ali to nije dovoljno. Porodica se nikad ne pojavi.
Godinama kasnije, dugo nakon što sam otišla iz agencije, moj stari šef mi je poslao mejl da me pita kako sam i završio sa kratkim P.S: „Stiven je u pritvoru jer je pobjegao iz hraniteljskog doma. Trebaš ga usvojiti.“ Želudac mi se stegao. Već toliko puta sam pomislila na to. Ja ga trebam usvojiti. Ali nisam.
Za njegovo ubistvo mi je rekao prijatelj koji je to vidio na vijestima. Upucan je na nekoj žurci zbog neke glupe svađe. Mrtav sa 18 godina, mrtav, a tek što je postao muškarac.
Ne moj Stiven, molila sam se. Kada sam shvatila da to zaista jeste bio on – da nema šanse da je bilo ko drugi – jecala sam onakvom vrstom bola koji vas potrese do srži.
Šta smo svi uradili? Šta svi nismo uradili.
Novine su o njegovom ubistvu objavile vrlo malo, kao da su se tek naknadno sjetili. Jedva da im je bio i vrijedan pomena. Nepoznati stranci su pisali ružne komentare na internetu: „Još jedan klošar“, rekli su.
Niste ga ni znali. Ne znate apsolutno ništa o ovom dječaku. Ne znate da je kao dijete pisao prstom po mojim leđima da mu vrijeme brže prođe dok smo čekali na pregled kod doktora i pitao me da pogodim šta mi piše. „<3 te” ispisano među mojim ramenima, posljednjeg puta kad smo igrali ovu igru.
Stiven nije bio u pravu, one noći u mojoj Tojoti.
Na neki njen način, majka ga jeste voljela.
Bila je tu, na njegovoj sahrani. Ljubazno me pozdravila.
Mislim da je znala da sam voljela Stivena, kao što sam ja znala da ga je ona voljela. Obje smo ga na kraju iznevjerile i pretpostavljam da nas je to nekako ujedinilo. Nijedna mu nije mogla pružiti porodicu.
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Foto: Ryan Tauss / Unsplash
Na sahrani nije bilo fotografija iz njegovog djetinjstva. Nijedna slika zelenookog dječaka sa slatkim osmijehom da nas podsjeti na sve što smo izgubili. Nije bilo fotografija Stivena i njegove braće, pa sam ja izradila fotke njih četvorice zajedno, snimljene prilikom posjete pod nadzorom, i donijela sam ih na sahranu da dam porodici. Bar sam to mogla uraditi, naspram svega onoga što nisam mogla.
Na sahrani je bilo par socijalnih radnika i nijedna od Stivenovih mnogobrojnih hraniteljskih majki.
Da li im je uopšte rečeno da je poginuo?
Veći dio života Stiven je proveo unutar Sistema nego izvan njega. Ako iskažeš pravnu odgovornost za dijete bar mu se pojavi na sahrani. Trebao bi se pojaviti kad umre. Bio je tvoj na neki način, zar ne? Duguješ mu to. A ako nije pripadao tebi, pa kome je ikada pripadao?
Bar mu je majka bila tu. Majka koja ga je rodila. Čujem odjek njegovog glasa od svih onih godina.
Neko te voli, Stivene. Želim da mu to kažem. Ali prekasno je.
Za mene je Stiven bio taj. Onaj koji utjelovljava sve greške i mane Sistema toliko slomljenog da će mu trebati daleko više od gipsa koji liječi sve doslovne slomljene kosti djece koja odrastaju u njemu.
Lome se, znate. Pucaju. Ta djeca koju ostavljamo. Vremenom pucaju.
*Stiven je lažno ime pravog dječaka kog je svijet izgubio.
